Ordinary things can seem monumental on your wedding day, and that includes the sex you have on the big night. But that’s not always a good thing.
“Society teaches us that wedding night sex is a big deal, and there is so much pressure put on wedding night sex to be this magical or wildly hot event,” says Rachel Needle, PsyD, a licensed psychologist and director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes.
Ordinary things can seem monumental on your wedding day, and that includes the sex you have on the big night. But that’s not always a good thing.
“Society teaches us that wedding night sex is a big deal, and there is so much pressure put on wedding night sex to be this magical or wildly hot event,” says Rachel Needle, PsyD, a licensed psychologist and director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes.
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To some religious groups, wedding night sex is a significant event, because they believe that’s the way you “consummate” a marriage, or make the union official with god. That being said, surveys suggest that the majority of people — about 75% — have already had sex before their wedding night. So, for many of them, their wedding is just another night in paradise. And, as blasphemous as it may sound to some folks, there are plenty of couples out there who don’t have sex at all on the big night. One unscientific survey from a lingerie company in 2016 found that 52% of people said they didn’t have sex on their wedding night.
With all of the hype around weddings, it’s not crazy to wonder: Is foregoing wedding night sex actually that big of a deal for your relationship? Of course not, but it can feel like it is. There are a ton of very good reasons why sex might not happen right after you tie the knot. These events can be like marathons and can span days, so if you’re too drunk, tired, or riled up to have sex when the night comes, your partner probably won’t take it personally, and might be feeling the same way, too, Dr. Needle says.
At the same time, many couples feel pressure to have amazing sex on specific nights or special occasions, like their wedding night, anniversary, or birthday, simply because it’s a special calendar date, Dr. Needle says. But this can be a recipe for pressure and anxiety — and less-than-amazing sex. Sometimes, saying, “We are going to have great sex on this date,” just builds up unreasonable expectations and leads to disappointment. Then again, some people thrive on planning sex, because it can build anticipation and excitement, so if that works for you, go for it, she says.
The good news is: Like many things about wedding planning, you’ll feel better about the whole thing if you just chill and let the cards fall as they may. “Why not just enjoy the emotional connection and physical affection — not leading up to sex — without the added pressure of what you ‘should’ be doing on that day?” Dr. Needle says. It might be worth it to literally tell your partner, “We might not have sex tonight, so can we focus on having fun today, and save the celebratory vacation sex for the honeymoon?” Of course, you could very well have wedding night sex — mind-blowing sex, even — but the point is that there’s no reason to stress either way. There’s nothing “wrong” with your relationship if you’re not all over each other every minute, Dr. Needle says.
And just because you didn’t have insanely good sex on your first night together as a married couple, that doesn’t mean you don’t have a great sex life in general. “Being physically intimate and connected to your partner is important and special any time, not just on certain occasions,” she says. Lucky for you, you have until death do you part to figure out how to make that happen
NOTES:
I’m a health and sex writer for Refinery29 and am working on a story for next Monday about whether or not wedding night sex is really a thing. I have a bunch of questions that I’d love to get your opinion on if you have time? Essentially, we want to explain to readers that even though there might be societal pressure to have sex on your wedding night, that doesn’t always happen, and that’s okay.
Here are some of my questions, but if you’d rather set up time to chat on the phone, that’s totally fine as well — just let me know your availability.
– I read somewhere that only half of couples have sex on their wedding night. Why do you think that might be?
Society teaches us that wedding night sex is a big deal! There is so much pressure put on wedding night sex being this magical and/or wildly hot event. There are a number of different reasons a couple might not have sex on their wedding night including but not limited to: drinking too much, being tired, not being in the mood, staying up too late, coming down from the excitement, enjoying being close and basking in the joy of the celebration, and pure exhaustion.
– In general, why can it be stressful for couples to feel like they “have to” have sex on specific nights, just because there’s a ceremonial aspect to it? I’m thinking there might be pressure on couples to have sex on their anniversaries or birthdays, for example.
Couples often feel pressure to engage in sex on specific nights or “occasions” such as on their wedding night. Pressure to have sex can create issues period, regardless of the situation or occasion. For a couple who feel positively about their relationship and have a satisfying sex life with similar levels of sexual desire, not having sex on certain “special” occasions is likely not bothersome or stressful.
– That being said, do you think it can be helpful for some couples to have planned sex? Why?
There is a myth that sex should just happen spontaneously and that there is something wrong with you or the relationship because you are not all over each other every minute, as when you began the relationship. The truth is that you have to put in time and energy, and make a conscious effort to sustain the relationship and the passion. Life can get busy and things can get in the way of being physically intimate with your partner. Planning ahead can build anticipation and excitement. Prioritizing intimacy and scheduling time together can maintain the health of the relationship. For many, scheduling sex works well and is a lot of fun, even in the anticipation and build up to it. And just because you schedule a time for physical intimacy, doesn’t mean that it can’t also happen spontaneously at times. Despite popular belief, committed sex is planned sex.
For some couples who are experiencing other relational issues or individual mental health or sexual issues, scheduling sex might create more distress, anxiety, and pressure.
– If someone is stressed that they didn’t have sex on a night that they were “supposed to,” what are some things to keep in mind? In other words, why is it actually not a huge deal?
Being physically intimate and connected to your partner is important and special anytime not just on certain occasions. For most couples who do enjoy a satisfying sexual relationship, not being intimate on certain “supposed to” days doesn’t bother them. For those for whom this is an issue, it would be helpful to understand what their specific thoughts and beliefs around this are and where they came from. What is different about these “special days”? With so much to celebrate and enjoy on your wedding day, why not just enjoy the emotional connection and physical affection (not leading to “sex”) without the added pressure of what you “should” be doing on that day.
In case you want some ways to refer to me ☺ I am Dr. Rachel Needle (Rachel Needle, Psy.D.), a Licensed Psychologist in WPB, Florida and co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes where we train people around the world to become certified sex therapists.
Thank you!
