Help! We Can’t Agree on the Time, Place or Style of Sex
She likes nighttime sex in the missionary position. He performs better in the morning and
wants to try new things. What should they do?
By
Ellen Uzelac,
AARP
Published January 02, 2025
My late husband loved early morning sex. Me? I prefer a relaxed nighttime vibe. As a result,
we were rarely in the mood at the same time, which created some conflict. We worked it
out — but not without some hard feelings and tough talks.
This week, our sexuality experts tackle a question from a husband who wants his wife to be
less rigid about when and where they have sex — and how.
I am 75 and my wife is 71. We have good sex, but my wife only wants it in missionary
position and only in our bedroom and only at night. I would like to explore new
positions, places and times of day. Also, I’m able to perform better in the mornings.
What to do?
First off, this is very common. As certified sex therapist Janet Brito puts it: “There are
always desire differences and preferences. This is like anything else — I want pizza, you
want Chinese food.”
Talking about changing things up may feel “challenging, awkward and risky,” says sex and
dating coach Gretchen Shanks, adding that even so, it’s where you need to start.
But before you have that conversation, here are a few things to keep in mind to help it go as
smoothly as possible.
In the Mood
For AARP’s In the Mood column, writer Ellen Uzelac will ask experts your most pressing 50+
sex and relationship questions. Uzelac is the former West Coast bureau chief for The
Baltimore Sun. She writes frequently on sex, relationships, travel and lifestyle issues.
Do you have a question? Email us at sexafter50@aarp.org
Don’t discuss this while you’re being intimate. Brito says to have the conversation at the
kitchen table or while taking a walk — not while you are being intimate. That way, you’ll be
able to focus more clearly on the message you want to convey.
If you’re nervous, say so. Brito says it’s important to tell your partner that this is tough to
bring up. Maybe start with: “I want to talk about something that’s on my mind, and I feel a
little nervous. I love being affectionate with you. I’d like to talk about trying new things in
bed, maybe changing the time of day.” And then ask her what she thinks about it.
Respect your partner’s comfort zone. Many people, especially as they get older, tend to
enjoy the familiar in intimate situations, says licensed psychologist Rachel Needle. Ask
her, “What exactly is it about our current routine that you like?” says Needle, adding that
knowing the answer to that question could help you address any concerns or hesitations
she might have about trying something different.
“Let’s understand why this is her thing — and then why there’s reluctance,” says certified
sex therapist Amanda Pasciucco. “For a lot of people, mornings are about routine —
shower, coffee, brushing teeth. For them, that’s more pleasurable than morning sex.”
Expand on what turns your wife on. Brito says it’s important to understand your wife’s
interest in missionary and why it’s her go-to position. With that in mind, you now have
something to work with.
“There’s a lot you can do with missionary,” Brito adds. “It’s plain vanilla, but there are a lot
of toppings you can put on it.”
How? If she’s open to it, Brito suggests adjusting the position a bit to make it more
psychologically and emotionally interesting. As examples, she says, keep the lights on and
gaze into each other’s eyes or enter her from the side in a sideways missionary.
If you both are limber, Pasciucco says you can also flip your wife’s knees over your
shoulders, playing with the rhythm by grinding and wiggling your hips. Or think about
placing a pillow under her hips to change the angle of penetration.
“It’s a variation on the familiar,” Pasciucco notes. “You’re not changing everything all at
once, but you’re finding something new and different that both of you want to say yes to.”
Explore new places gradually. Needle suggests expanding your intimate spaces — but in
small, manageable steps. For example, invite your wife to cuddle on the couch or make out
in the kitchen. “Gradually this might lead to a comfort level with being intimate in places
other than the bedroom.”
Pasciucco says to consider an overnight stay at a hotel or showering together. “Wash each
other’s bodies,” she says. “It’s not sex, but it’s sexy, because you’re touching one
another.”
Play with timing. Ask your wife about experimenting with afternoon or morning sex.
And be honest as to why, Needle says, suggesting you be up front with her about how you
perform better in the morning and that having morning sex would enhance the quality of
your time together. “You could frame it as wanting to bring your best energy into the
experience,” she says. But, again, baby steps. Needle says to start out by suggesting just
one weekend morning to see how she likes it.
Another option, says Brito: Stay with nighttime, which you know she is comfortable with,
but (if you don’t already) try dimming the lights, lighting a candle and turning on some
relaxing music to create a more intimate, sexier vibe than what you are used to.
Stay positive and patient. It may take time for your wife to warm up to new routines, and
keeping a lighthearted and patient attitude is essential.
Needle says to remind your wife that you want to deepen your connection and that you are
willing to proceed at her pace if she is open to exploring some of these new suggestions.
“Exploring intimacy in later years can be deeply fulfilling, but it often requires gentle
communication and patience,” she adds. “By focusing on gradual shifts and emphasizing
her comfort and pleasure, you can encourage her openness to new experiences while
keeping your bond strong and satisfying.”
Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them
to sexafter50@aarp.org.
Ellen Uzelac is the former West Coast bureau chief for The Baltimore Sun. She writes
frequently on sex, relationships, travel and lifestyle issues.
