How Do I Keep Romance Going in a Sexless Marriage?

By
Ellen Uzelac, AARP
Published September 25, 2025

Ah, the sexless marriage. If you read In the Mood on a regular basis, you know this is a topic we get asked about a lot.

This week, our questioner says he isn’t concerned about restoring sex but in preserving a romantic connection with his partner.

I like how certified sex therapist and licensed psychologist Rachel Needle responded to his query when I interviewed her: “First, thank you for your honesty. It takes courage to say ‘We’re not trying to fix the sex anymore,’ and even more courage to ask: ‘So, how do we stay close without it?’”

Our sexuality and relationship experts offer their best advice.

The sex in our marriage is gone. Not trying to fix that anymore. How else can we keep the romantic connection alive so that my wife and I aren’t just married friends?

Romantic connection isn’t defined by what you do in the bedroom, Needle says. It’s defined by how you show up for each other, how you stay present and how you keep choosing each other, day after day. “And that kind of love,” Needle says, “is worth nurturing.” Here’s how.

Redefine what romance means to you now. Romance doesn’t have to look like it did when you were much younger. Instead, Needle says, it can be about comfort, laughter, small surprises, shared glances or simply knowing someone is truly with you and gets you.

“It’s about being seen, appreciated and emotionally close,” says Needle, who is also codirector of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, a Florida-based continuing education provider that trains sex and couples therapists around the world. “That quiet kind of love can be just as powerful—and sometimes even more lasting.”

Ways to keep the romance alive even when your sex life has faded. There’s lots you can do to nurture a romantic connection, from trying new things together to date nights.

• Make time for intentional connection. It’s easy to fall into a rhythm of parallel lives, especially if you’re retired or empty nesters, Needle says. Plan date nights, take walks together, and cook a meal side by side. “Even 15 minutes of distraction-free conversation each day can go a long way.”
• Try out new things together. Novelty is one of the most underutilized tools for keeping romance alive, according to Needle. Whether it’s a weekend getaway, a dance class or just a new show to binge, Needle says doing something unfamiliar as a couple helps spark connection and shared joy.
• Spend a romantic evening at home. Harris-Jackson suggests throwing a blanket on the floor and having a picnic. Look at your wedding album together. Leave notes around the house that say, “Here’s why I fell in love with you.” Watch a movie and feed each other popcorn. “Have fun with your partner in a way that is also loving,” she says. “Make it a great time.”
• Express appreciation out loud. Words of affirmation are powerful. Needle says a simple “I love the way you always make me laugh” or “I’m so grateful for the life we’ve built” can reignite feelings of warmth and closeness.
• Lean into emotional intimacy. Talk about your dreams, memories, fears, regrets. “These conversations remind you that you’re not just cohabitating—you’re partners in a meaningful, shared life story,” Needle notes.
• Remain curious about each other. When couples first meet, they often have an insatiable curiosity about each other, says licensed clinical social worker Allison Kent. Over time, that often goes away—and, along with it, a sense of connection. Kent suggests that you read Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity. “It might resonate,” she says.

You can also be intimate—without sex. Stella Harris, a certified mediator and relationship coach, says you can still have a physical connection—and she hopes that you do—without being sexual.

As Harris-Jackson frames it: “What you’re doing is stoking the love passion, not necessarily the sex passion.”

Plus, a physical connection is important for health and well-being, Harris notes.

Ways to incorporate touch: holding hands on walks, snuggling when watching a movie, massaging each other. “This actually sounds pretty good,” she adds. “It’s more than a lot of people have.”

Don’t underestimate companionship. It’s common in long-term relationships for couples to flip into companionship, according to certified sex therapist Nan Wise. And friendship is what really keeps most romantic relationships sustainable.

Wise suggests figuring out ways together to create excitement and a shared mission—things that will make you both feel enlivened and lit up. “We sleepwalk after a certain point in life,” she says. “Get off your phones and see what’s going on to make you feel alive.”

Last but not least: Romantic connection is about warmth, affection and the unique bond that only the two of you share, Needle says. It doesn’t have to end when sex stops; it just changes shape. “Even if the sex is gone, love, laughter and touch can still make a marriage feel alive.”

Ellen Uzelac is the former West Coast bureau chief for The Baltimore Sun. She writes frequently on sex, relationships, travel and lifestyle issues.