Losing Control?
BY MIKE ADAMS
PHOTOS BY CLIVE MCLEAN
August 28, 2025
Reluctant to take a more submissive role in the bedroom? Allow us to explain the benefits of letting your lady get on top and take the reins on occasion.
Generally speaking, in the bedroom, the man likes to take charge. On top, from behind, tossing his partner around like a rag doll—Papa Power wants to be at the wheel to take her to Pound Town. This has been the general fucking dynamic since humans crawled up out of the sea. Historically speaking, most straight men haven’t exactly been eager to play the submissive role in bed, at least none that aren’t comfortable in a dog leash and a ball gag. And while many women are perfectly fine letting their man steer the sexual ship toward that beautiful, orgasmic horizon, there’s a growing number of gals who wouldn’t mind getting into the driver’s seat now and then. “I don’t always want sex to be something that happens to me,” Becky, 37, tells HUSTLERMagazine.com. “I want to be an active participant.”
“I don’t always want sex to be something that happens to me. I want to be an active participant.” —Becky
As you might have guessed, Becky’s not alone. More women these days crave a shift in their diddle-time dynamics. It’s not that they have the desire to emasculate their men or even take over the reins full-time. It’s just that being in control gets them hornier than all get-out, and they want their turn on top. Hey, fair is fair. “There’s something sexy about taking control,” Jamie, 29, tells us.
Not every man, however, is ready to relinquish the driver’s seat. For some less-than-progressive fellows, the idea of letting a woman take control in the bedroom feels like handing over their man card. There’s a lingering fear that submission equals weakness, or that enjoying it somehow makes them “less of a man.” It doesn’t help that much porn has spent decades selling the importance of male dominance, with women often portrayed as grateful recipients rather than equal participants. So, when a woman gets her hands on the tiller—or, say, a strap-on—it can rattle a guy. “I’ve tried to be more submissive without the butt stuff, and it’s still awkward,” Derek, 43, explains of his deferential experience. “I guess I’m old-fashioned.”
“For women who want to step into a more dominant role, confidence comes from framing it as exploration, not replacement. Let him know you find him incredibly sexy and that this is a way to turn up the heat for both of you.” — Dr. Rachel Needle
Dr. Rachel Needle, licensed psychologist and co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, tells HUSTLERMagazine.com that power play in the bedroom isn’t about taking something away from a man—it’s about creating a shared erotic adventure. “For women who want to step into a more dominant role, confidence comes from framing it as exploration, not replacement,” she explains. “Let him know you find him incredibly sexy and that this is a way to turn up the heat for both of you.”
Of course, making a man comfortable about relinquishing his usual dominant role can be a tough task, which is why Dr. Needle suggests easing into it. “Suggest playful scenarios, introduce light direction during sexual play, or guide his hands and body,” she advises. “Reinforce his desirability throughout so he knows he’s still the star of the show. Dominance and submission can be fluid when it’s rooted in mutual pleasure and respect. It becomes less about who’s in charge and more about how much fun you can have switching it up.”
For women ready to be the boss of the bedroom, Dr. Needle suggests starting with ego-friendly “confidence openers.” These can make the shift feel more enticing rather than threatening. Try the Tease & Tempt approach: “Tonight, I have a fantasy, and you’re my perfect partner for it. All you have to do is say yes and let me take care of the rest.” Or how about the Praise & Play: “You turn me on so much I can’t even wait for you to start—I need to be in charge so I can have you exactly how I want you.” You can always take a bolder Throw Down the Dare approach: “I want to play a game. You’re going to follow my lead for ten minutes. After that, you can decide if you want more…or beg for it.” The idea, Dr. Needle asserts, is to make it clear that you’re not taking power away. You’re simply offering him a new kind of pleasure, with him still firmly at the center of it.
If none of this gets him to loosen up, the doctor says it could be due to a sexual mismatch, making it necessary to reevaluate whether it’s the right relationship for you. “If sexual dominance is an important part of your erotic identity and your partner is unwilling or uncomfortable exploring it, it’s worth asking yourself if you’re sexually compatible,” Dr. Needle says. “Sexual mismatches don’t always end relationships, but they can limit the kind of passion and satisfaction you’re able to share.”
If he’s agreeable to the shift, it can open the door to deeper trust, hotter chemistry and a more adventurous sex life. If he resists, however, there could be more wrong than a fear of lost control. In that case, the boldest move you can make might be finding a partner who doesn’t mind losing it on occasion.
